I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
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Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
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The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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