More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
