that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
