I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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