an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
as a side note pls kill me
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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