Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
