I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Randomize
