Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
