how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
