the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
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