My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
