I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
