I can feel you judging me through the phone.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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