just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
