everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
