between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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