we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
