go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
