If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
