He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
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