i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Randomize
