This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
