Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
be right there i have to get my cape
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
