Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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