the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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