Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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