the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
