I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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