I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
