I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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