You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
