I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Randomize
