Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
