Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
