The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
