Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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