can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Randomize
