This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
