I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
