1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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