if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
