i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
