I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Mom said you looked used
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
