my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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