i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
