My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Randomize
