I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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