Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
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