hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Randomize
