I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
