I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Hippo gnu deer
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Randomize
