I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
We are all done wearing pants today
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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