I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Randomize
