oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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