There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
