toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
